Why I’m a Terrible Friend
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I never really had many close friends growing up. I had friends, I was just never anyone’s first choice to hang out with. And I felt like an outsider. All the time. I never really felt like I belonged.
I always emotionally distanced myself from everyone. If you don’t get close enough, you can’t get hurt or end up disappointed.
Having been bullied and suffering from anxiety didn’t help much and I often retreated into my shell. It was my comfort zone. Where I felt safest and where I felt the least judged and it was often my only way to get through the days.
After High School
There comes a point well after High School when you think all the pettiness and drama has left and all the childish gossip is left well behind in a place you’d rather forget. But it doesn’t really.
There was plenty of it at work. Definitely more than I would have liked.
And when your kids start school, it all comes flooding back.
It’s like it never leaves.
Judgement in Parenthood
So fast forward many, many years since High School, and not a lot has changed.
I’ve never really had any close friends.
On the couple of occasions I struck a friendship with someone it ended in disaster and made me feel worse than ever.
Being overly judged left me feeling like a terrible mother for weeks. Mostly over what I fed my son. He was a fussy eater who rarely ate anything else, and apparently what I was feeding him was causing his eczema. Which even though I knew it wasn’t true, I knew it wasn’t the best for him. But if he didn’t want what was offered, he wouldn’t eat. He was already rather skinny and I’d rather he didn’t starve.
So that feeling of being judged, is one that has stuck with me. It’s almost constant.
Because I hear it all the time. People judging others, behind their backs. Even their friends.
It seems fake and it gets too much.
So, I usually keep to myself.
These Days
Not having close friends used to bother me, but not so much anymore. I learnt more to depend on myself and not having to rely on anyone for anything.
These days, I find I’m too busy to make time for anyone, anyway. My kids take up a lot of time and while I do need social interaction, I’m finding playgroup and occasional interactions are enough.
I’m slowly finding my confidence again. But it’s not easy.
Especially when your kids go to school. I think the judgement is more rife than ever.
I don’t think I would have the time to spend regularly catching up with someone. And then I’d feel guilty for not making the time for them or be there when they needed me and I’d feel worse.
It’s not that I don’t care about being a great friend, I think it’s just after being burned so many times, it’s been ingrained in me to stay well away from the fire.
I have found friends come and go. Even friends I caught up with often when my son was little. Things change, people change, people move. So many things make it harder.
I’ve always been by myself and it’s just become what I do.
Where to go From Here
Some people are so lucky to have close friends they have known for ages, and it just works.
It’s not that I love being a terrible friend, I’ve just become so used to being by myself where I don’t fear being judged or where I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong or have to hear about what everyone else is doing wrong.
There will always be those days where I feel alone and miss that connection.
But I’m trying to work on being happier myself, and to do that I’m trying to avoid the negativity that seems to be abundant everywhere, especially around people I thought were friends.
So yes, I am a terrible friend.
But for now, I’m okay with that.
Do you have close or a lot of friends? Or do you prefer being alone like me?
April 14, 2018 @ 5:20 am
I agree, you need to work on your self before anything. I mean how can you give your all or even a little if you have not even considered yourself.
No one likes negativity and it is a great idea to separate yourself from those scenarios. Even if they are family or friends.
You should never feel gilty for your opinions, because they are exactly that, your opinions.
I have a lot of friends, but im not stupid. They are not real friends more acquaintances. I can probably count on only one hand my real friends.
You need to do what is right for you, don’t worry what other people think. Keep being your self and don’t change. If people don’t like it that’s their problem not yours.
Everything that I’m writing is my opinion, so the same goes. If you don’t like it that’s fine, it’s my opinion not yours and i don’t hold that against you.
Keep it up, be yourself , only you can choose the path.
As I always say never stop rocking. X x x C.C.
April 14, 2018 @ 11:06 am
Very true, Craig. I completely agree.
April 15, 2018 @ 12:19 pm
I’m like you; friends take more time and effort than I am willing to give right now. Having said that, I make the grand effort of keeping my husband (of 30 years) and my teenage children as my best friends. I invest heavily in those relationships and anyone who is going to take my focus off that gets the boot! ? Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts on this topic.
May 8, 2018 @ 11:06 am
It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I agree, it’s definitely more important to put effort into family and those close relationships. They deserve your focus and attention. My kids will always be the most important people to me.
April 15, 2018 @ 8:14 pm
I’m kind of the opposite- Growing up, I had TONS of friends. It wasn’t until I was about 23 that I really began evaluating my friend group and just started “dropping” friends that weren’t good for me. Now I only have about 2/3 reallly good friends who I know won’t judge me, support me and are overall really good people. We all deserve love and connection!
May 8, 2018 @ 12:14 pm
I’m a little bit jealous, to be honest. Sounds like you have some amazing friends.
September 20, 2018 @ 12:13 pm
I find that as you grow older, some friendship ties tend to loosen. Right now I am focused on my career and family that I don’t have much time to catch up with friends. We actually only meet twice a year. Sometimes I feel guilty that I couldn’t spend as much time with them like I used to but there really isn’t much I could do about it. I have responsibilities.
September 20, 2018 @ 8:42 am
Growing up I always had one or two close friends, but I never had a large group of friends. And I always wanted one – so much that I ended up becoming friends with people who were just using me to copy my homework, or who didn’t care about me that much.
Looking back now I really regret that. I have one friend from high school whom I still see regularly, but a lot of my other friendships faded away because I spent so much time trying to belong somewhere. And now I realise that I never actually needed a large group of friends and that friends who you can truly trust are so much more valuable.
It also gets so much harder to make friends when you’re not in school anymore! My friends from university live on the other side of the planet and I never managed to make close friends at work.
Also, I was kind of hoping to make new connections through blogging, but that hasn’t worked out too well for now.. What’s your experience with that?
September 20, 2018 @ 9:05 am
it’s okay to be a terrible friend as long as you are not being harsh to yourself. I guess it’s even better than to have fake friends. I know and I understand because growing up in a poor village, I have always wanted to be cool to fit in. I was too naive to accept that being different is okay. Now, I am a really terrible friend too because I feel that I have outgrown all my friends. I am single and I am often just by myself and I can never wish to be surrounded with a lot of people. Keep going. I am so moved by your courage and heartfelt way of expressing yourself. =)
September 20, 2018 @ 12:14 pm
We can all feel like an outsider even if you do have a big group of friends around you. In school I was part of a big group of girls but never felt like I was anyone’s first choice to hang out. I met my now best friend when I was 20 through an illness of all things. We’ve stayed by each other for the past 9 years and although we don’t see each other often anymore I know she’s still there. I only count her and my partner as my close friends these day.
September 20, 2018 @ 2:11 pm
I think you’re a good friend who has run into crappy people, but even good people fall into negative ways such as gossiping about someone or telling others what they should do or how they should change.
Sometimes we just have to accept that people aren’t perfect, and sometimes we just have to grit our teeth to be around others who have some disagreeable aspect but otherwise have many good qualities unless we get up the gumption to let them know straight away that we don’t like that particular thing and so please don’t do it around me.
November 11, 2018 @ 8:22 am
I feel as you grow older you can realize who are your real friends. As a kid I was surrounded by so many friends but now hardly I have 3-4 close friends. I don’t regret it cuz I know they’ll be there during my worst times 🙂
December 12, 2018 @ 12:43 pm
Zero “real” friends here. I have my family and Facebook friends. It is a very lonely life.
December 12, 2018 @ 6:41 pm
I do like being alone or with my family. It is hard to find good friends. I have one person that I would call my best friend. Then I still talk to my high school friends. Once you get older and have kids, it can be tricky to keep in touch. Great post.